dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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