What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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