Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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