no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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