my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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