Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
