The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
