I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
