my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize