I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
