Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he thought i was a dude.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize