You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
