I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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