he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize