My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
