Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
