The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
