I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
