Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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