my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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