i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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