i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
