highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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