Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
