i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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