2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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