I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize