god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
