sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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