Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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