He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
