You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
it's like heaven, but drunker
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
