my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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