i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
