im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
worst night to have a conscience
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
