it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize