I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
