On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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