Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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