a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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