I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
