Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I think i got beer on your cat.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize