Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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