i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
We left the knife in your bed.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
