I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
