totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
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