you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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