Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm bleeding and have questions
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
