Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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