right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
