I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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