I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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