I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
