I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
