i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize