Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
