It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
