I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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