Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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