My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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